I’m not a professional journalist.
OK. I know that. And I’m not trying to be one.
I don’t have a degree and I’ve never even gotten a real award before…
I graduated from high school in 2007. I didn’t plan on furthering my education like many of my friends did. I conveniently told myself then that I’d go back to school after only one year of working and like a fool I said to myself the seven most evil words in the entire English language: “I’ll just work my way up, here!”
Yeah sure! Then it was trying to work my way up there and then over there. Year after year. Same thing over and over: “Another day. Another dollar.” Maybe you know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe you don’t.
I was living life just trying to get by. Because I naturally learn very quickly and I fit in easily with new people; I thought it’d be simple to just sink myself into a comfy career eventually. A stressful decade passes. Dozens of companies come and go. I became so frustrated with myself.
I was so confused why I felt so worthless and shitty every place that I went. Maybe it wasn’t the job, maybe it was me. After working somewhere for about a year I’d just start to get restless. Sure, I’d still come in everyday and do the job but I wouldn’t be on time anymore… I’d lose that passion for the new opportunity once I found out that I wasn’t actually going anywhere there.
I’d wake up everyday wanting more responsibility and then I’d want more money. If I didn’t get it, then I’d just quit the job. I was young. Times were good. I knew that I’d easily find a new one.
I kept on changing to different industries: “Cuz that’ll help!” I went from Call centers to Restaurants to Warehouses to Delivery to Retail. Looking back on it now… All those jobs; All those names; All that wasted time. I did eventually hit rock bottom. As my Mom would say: I burnt all my bridges. Suddenly, there were no more jobs that would hire me. I had no where else to go and then it dawned on me: “I’ll go back to school now.”
I learned two important things when I went back:
- I don’t want to be in school
- I’m doing “life” totally wrong
And I was doing doing everything wrong until then! Ever since I was that awkward teenager just about to tackle the adult world; so naive and unaware of how twisted the world really was. I think it’s important to mention now that I smoked a lot of pot in college. It helped me come in to touch with myself and my feelings like I never did before, and I saw—for the first time—that the path I was on was a complete disaster.
Would I of discovered all of this without the pot? Probably…
But everyone has their own way of realizing…
At this time, I had twenty thousand dollars invested in this college program but I no longer had interest in pursuing it any further… I didn’t want to be an architect or an urban planner anymore; which was what I was there to be. There was way too much math that was involved. Way too much structure for me to handle. I found out that I was interested in my concept designs and my creative writing rather than I was my mathematical studies.
I also found out that I really like investigating things, like— a lot. I’d dive deeper and deeper into the vague topics which came up in class. I spent all my spare time in between classes doing further research on my computer or at the library and then I’d take all that research home with me. I started to take it all to work with me. This was when conflict began and shit really started to really hit the fan. Up until this point I could juggle the two lives I was living… But a third and then a fourth on top of that was like OK, what the fuck am I doing with my life?
I had three months left of classes and I was a complete zombie. I don’t know how else to describe it. I was there in my desk listening to the lectures but nothing was clicking in my head. I remember this final I had for Surveying class:
Everyone around me was furiously scribbling down their answers and I just stared at the questions with a blank mind. For the first time since I was that little kid in grade school skipping questions on my tests; I had now idea how to even start to formulate my answers. I stood up in the middle of that exam and stormed out. I saw the school counselor and I told him either that I either fail the class because I cant complete this final or I just drop out now. I dropped out and I kept working at the full-time job I was at already and just kept paying the bills. I sunk right back into my “seven word solution” hole.
Thankfully, this time I have a real goal in mind instead of a vague vision of what I’m looking for. My journey isn’t over. This website is more of an obsessive hobby than anything else because it’s completely non-fictional— which really isn’t my thing. I like writing fiction the most. When I read or see non-fiction[reality] like the news, documentaries or statistics… I have to investigate. Its compulsive. I need to see the history and understand clearly what happened.
Currently I’m still with that company I was at at the time of dropping out and right now I’m deeply concentrated on my newest career goal. The moral of this whole story is that this seemingly innocent hobby that developed in college then manifested itself into a very, very big dream. If I never went back to school; I would’ve never stumbled back onto my writing.
What was it exactly that made me start to write again? Let’s say for now: it was the spirit in that class to succeed. Aided by the witty professors I had, the dynamic classmates I met and turning into a metaphorical zombie that made me discover what I really want to be in life. Part of my very big dream was to make this blog and with it I’d post all my research, ideas and thoughts so that anyone can see it and discuss it with me. If they wanted to.
Who knows, maybe it was just the pot.